Want to vs. Have to

Feeling vs. Decision

Either Or vs Neither Nor

No matter how you slice it, I have had a year to reflect on not life without you but life with you.

I would like to speak on Feeling vs. Decision.

You may not have FELT like doing it but you DECIDED to do it

You may not have FELT like staying but you DECIDED to cover us

You may not have FELT like showing up but you DECIDED to make your presence known and felt

You may not have FELT like staying silent but you DECIDED to speak out of love and wisdom

You may not have FELT like taking it but you DECIDED to allow us room to learn, make mistakes, heal and grow


In thinking about the final hours and how to honor  life with you but without you this year, I chose to do our anniversary  9-2 and your ascension 9-7) as a compilatory tribute.


I was asked by the EMT where should they “rush” you and I nervously and without hesitation said Memorial Hospital.

They looked at me and said, “Mr. Randall’s oxygen level is tanking so it will not be enough time.


Needless to say, my adrenal began to really flow and I replied, well the closest hospital is Touchette, they agreed that is where we would “rush” you.

They finally got you downstairs I  hid in the kitchen, not wanting to know what I knew; THIS WAWS IT. You even had your hand up like you were bidding me farewell with a wave.



We sat in front of the house I know for about 15 or 20 minutes just sitting but yet it was just a sense of urgency.

I peeped at Becus and she is pacing in her car but I couldn’t get out to ask questions because I had covid.

We couldn’t get you to Memorial because your oxygen was taking but we had enough time to wait in front of the house? Make it make sense because it don’t and you can’t.

I sat in the car weak myself and watched other EMT drivers pull up to the house and no urgency to get  you to the closest hospital.


I began to reflect on how NOT ENOUGH TIME is for us in these communities.

Yep, it is: calculating, strategic, racist, intentional, immoral, inhumane, willful and lastly legislative.

Were were a community that once had not one but two thriving, fully equipped, and staffed hospitals. St. Mary’s and Christian Welfare..

Today, with all of the legislated ailments and preexisting conditions that cause our premature, racist and untimely demise

yeah, just as white inferior wanted it……..


Anniversaries comes with many ups, downs, joys, regrets, activities, doubts and excitements and I was blessed to spend them all with you for 15 years.

I appreciate you giving me the space to BE THE SOUL OF AMERICA!

We made a vow to not do what white folks told us to do to show our love, support and care because it was there.

But I do miss my Pepsi and Card anyway……